Not pride, but fear

Not pride, but fear.......Sometimes Oftentimes it's not pride, but fear that stands in my way. Rather than stand up and face the fear no matter how small or big it may be, often times it just feels right to take the coward approach and shut down and shut off from everything. Not just because of fear of the outcome, but also because of the fear that even if it does turn out in the positive direction initially, a way to muck it up in the end will be found by you and ultimately happen and you'd rather save someone else from experiencing that. Thus taking you back to point A in the end. Why, because at the end of the day the fear of many things and knowing yourself and your self sabotaging ways will always stand in the way of going after things you truly want in life because you know how it's going to turn out in the end and you've accepted it and grown to welcome it. It's not a way to live one's life and there's no way it can lead to happiness in life, but it's the life one lives and maybe deserves. So no it's not pride that keeps me from going after that happiness, it's simply fear on so many different levels that stands in my way.

What could've been

What could've been. What should've been and the sad reality that it just won't be. They say you're never supposed to question the man above as to why and i can i get that, but still can't help but ask why and be pissed at myself and him for allowing me to screw the dream up after given a chance to make a years long dream come true. Now that it's all seemingly come to an end, all one can do is sit back mad at the world with no faith in anything whatsoever and no one to blame but oneself. It used to be God and I, but nowadays that faith and belief has seemingly gone out the window and it's just I.I truly wanted wanted my dream and that happy ending to come true in the end, but my actions failed to show it in the end, but I guess me being me it was always going to end like this and I get that. It's just cest ma vie and it is what it is, as they say. #Raven#Trey #her #I #RandA #LoSiento

Thoughts on the mind

The mind can be a dangerous place if you allow yourself to dwell in it for too long and I guess I know that far too well. So, not saying this is going to allow me to escape from it or even provide any remedy to it (honestly not even sure if it requires any remedy to be 100 about it). All I know is I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now about a multitude of things and as I was reminded recently I’ve always done my best communication through pen/paper or keyboard/monitor. That’s a story in itself that I may come across while doing this. With that said I don’t really know what this is going to be, so I can pretty much guarantee this will end up being a direct reflection of my thoughts in my mind as they are right now: all over the place with zero structure, order, and for that matter no real purpose at all. I just felt like trying to clear my mind and as I just stated, writing has always been my best way of communication and doing that, sometimes even when it’s only myself I’m doing it with.

35, 35 years old man where has my life gone. I mean I’ve lived a life in the past 35 years that has been pretty fair for the most part. To use one of my most common responses when often asked how I’m doing, “I can’t complain”. I mean I’ve travelled the world, have a decent job, bills are paid, etc. so I guess one could say my life is good and I really can’t complain from a professional standpoint in life, but I revert back to the caveat “for the most part” and should probably be saying I won’t complain instead of can’t. Upon becoming old enough to understand how I envisioned my life I broke it down into 4 quarters. The first quarter would be the learning/growing quarter where I obviously grow up and begin setting myself up for the remainder of my life. That essentially went all according to plan. I lived and I grew up. There were learning experiences as expected, but all was going as ultimately envisioned and I was growing as a person through every experience good and bad both professionally and personally as I moved into quarter 2.

The second quarter which is obviously where I am now at 35 was supposed to see me continue to grow in every aspect as I begin establishing myself in my career and my personal life as a family man. That’s where the for the most part comes into play. Professionally saw me change careers after leaving my previous 11 year career on not exactly the best of terms, but I did manage to bounce back from that and move directly into a different position which for all intents and purposes may have been the best move for me considering things I had envisioned happening in my life. And as a side note while the way I left my previous job wasn’t great, I’ll openly admit it was only a matter of time before it happened, because it could’ve and quite frankly should’ve happened long before it ultimately did, but I digress. Despite what could’ve been seen as a bad fortune of events, I was able to continue to move forward and grow in my professional life mainly due to my work ethic and refusal to become complacent. That’s something that may or may not come up again later in this, because that mindset is slowly but surely beginning to change, although there is still a chance it doesn’t. 

I recently turned 35 and I guess it’s fitting in a way that I spent that day visiting the same place I moved into the second quarter of my life 10 years earlier and that’s where the mind really started going into overboard about WTF am I doing with my life. I look around and I see all those I grew up with one way or the other in my first 25 years and I see where there life is and the amount of growth in it to this point in their respective lives. It’s something I’ve always noticed from afar, because I always keep tabs from a distance, because while not being the best at keeping in touch directly I do make it a point to check in indirectly from time to time to make sure all is good in their lives. But I guess when it really hit home and began to clout the mind was during my weeklong visit. Now there is no secret my life and mindset changed 10 years ago when I met certain 18 year old who left a lasting impact on me and life and qiote frankly became the LOML. I’m not going to get into all the details, but I’ll just say through 10 years her and I have always managed to somehow find our way back into each other’s lives even after ending our romantic relationship and often going periods without directly speaking. It was almost as if we were destined to be in not only my opinion, but in every aspect of my being. That’s ultimately the reason I decided to take my visit there was to see and spend as much time as possible with her. I was always observant so I was no stranger to her current life and I essentially knew what I was walking into, but I wasn’t prepared to come to the realization that so much had changed. Now, don’t get me wrong or anything it’s been 10 years of course situations have changed and growth should have occurred, but sadly that had only been the case for one of us. I began to realize this on my end when we were out at a restaurant and I was asked 2 questions, what’s new with me and why don’t I have any children yet (heard that one multiple times throughout the years and I’ve never given an answer although I always knew the answer and this time was no different I gave a non-answer answer). That question, while seemingly out of nowhere and I did give a non-answer answer, didn’t really get to me too much, because if given a thought I could easily figure out exactly why it was asked. The other question, while honestly just a general conversation question was the one that struck a nerve within myself, because I answered it the same way I always have, “absolutely nothing”. Which when I thought/think about it more and more it’s actually pretty sad. Not sad in a boohoo woes me pity part kind of way, but more so of a how the fuck can you not have changed or not just changed but grown some in the past 10 years. Through no fault but my own that is exactly the case. My life has essentially been a standstill for the past 10 years, at least on the personal side and possibly even on the professional side as well if I really thought about it, just not quite as long. 

  

As I get sidetracked again (see all over the place) I’m reminded that there was another question that really stood out to me although not as much as the others, probably because of the timing, but the basis of the question really hammered home my current clouded mind state when thought about. My first day there after returning from dinner, I was asked is she still the same *insert name here* you remember. My response without any hesitation was “yes”, but that was only based off just seeing her for the first time in a minute and only spending maybe an hour or two with her. At the end of the day my answer couldn’t have been any more wrong, although in a way it was also correct, but in the bigger and complete picture it was wrong. I say that because in a way she’ll always be the same *insert name here* to me deep down. It’s something you just feel in the moment that you just know. Kind of hard to explain, so I’m not going to try. I know what I mean. Where I was incorrect with my answer was she’s not the same, because I look at her now, compared to the 18 year old I met 10 years prior, who was amazing in my eyes then, I see a person who has grown leaps and bounds since then and I honestly could not be more proud of the Woman she has become. A single mother raising two amazing children and doing a great job with both, has her priorities in order and knows what she wants out of life. I could go on and on about her growth and change and it would all be extremely accurate and not overly exaggerated, but I won’t and will just sum it up by stating again, I could and cannot be any more Prouder than I am of her, seeing her growth and the Woman she has become. With that proudness does come with the sad fact and realization that I cannot say the same for myself though. For all the change and growth in her life in the past 10 years, my life has essentially remained in the same standstill it was then.

It can almost be summed up as I hit pause and never went back and pushed play again. I’m not one for excuses, I just state what happened and my view and at the end of day I take the full ownership of it no matter the situation, especially when it’s something that could’ve/should’ve been prevented. I believe this whole thing fits that description in a way or not idk. What I do know is that there is literally no one to blame for my lack of movement, but myself. To dive further into I guess, I should finally answer the one question that I mentioned earlier that I’ve always given a non-answer answer to and it pretty much applies to this whole thing in a way. Why don’t I had any children, while that day I didn’t answer the question to her I later answered it for her in the way that I do my best communication electronically. Again, that is a story in itself that I may or may not get in to here, but I likely will. The easy answer to that question isn’t complicated, I just chose not to answer people and just laugh/smile it off. It dates fittingly enough back to 10 years ago the final year of my self-proclaimed phase 1 of my life. Plans were made to have a family one day. Plans that included names and all, literally the only missing aspect of the plans was where exactly this family was going to reside. Minor detail that would’ve been worked out in time.  With all that said, life happens. Our relationship ended, but we always managed to found our way back into each other’s lives even without long periods of silence. But during this time again I say life happens. Specific details don’t need to be dove into, because they don’t really factor into anything in my eyes, feelings remained the same and I still kept the hopes of those initial plans alive in me. So, the answer to the question is very simple, I had zero desire to move on into a real relationship with anyone or have a child with anyone as long as the hope was still in me that it was possible to it with the one I made plans with all those years ago. Whether that was right or wrong smart or dumb, it doesn’t/didn’t matter it’s simply how I’ve felt all these years. Now I’m not going to lie to myself and act like I haven’t had a few relationships in the time, but none real or ever with any attempt to become serious. I don’t really know what they were to be honest, but I made every attempt and succeeded in making sure I led no one on into believing anything was more than it was or ever could be.  Again whether that was right or wrong smart or dumb it’s what I did.

Through that time I pretty much became complacent about my personal life and would/is slowly bleeding over into my professional life. My days slowly become more and more robotic each day. I stopped going out except on the very rare occasion or even talking to anyone outside of work. My days literally consist of me waking up, going to work, coming home, tv/video games, sleep, repeat with very little conversation in between. Now, I’ve always been quiet and someone to keep to myself for the most part, some would say anti-social, but it’s taken a whole new level. I literally do nothing and barely talk to anyone nowadays. I can’t really explain that one, it made since in a relationship standpoint, at least to me it did or even better I made it make sense. I didn’t want to risk getting close to anyone knowing that my mind and heart was set on other plans happening, but somewhere in there along the line it stretched out into everything. Now to be honest, it’s a social life I feel somewhat comfortable with or at least I think I do, because I’m the type person who really just enjoys the company of that special someone and if that’s the only person I ever spoke to or spent my time around I honestly think I would be fine, but when that’s not the case when you’ve spent so much time separating yourself from any emotional attachment to anyone or anything friendships and more it’s become second nature and routine for you, you sort of fall into complacency and used to the thought of being a dare I say loner and complacent following that same daily routine alone. Now despite that feeling, which I ultimately admit I ignored and forgot because as I said it just became routine for me and I didn’t notice it to be honest, the hope remained all would be fine because as I said as long as I was with that special person I felt right or wrong all would be just fine, us against the world, against the world may not be the appropriate wording or phrase, but in essence I mean her and I and our family would be all I need the rest I don’t need. I probably got off course with this but as I said there are a million and 1 things going on in this brain right now and I’m just typing. But yeah I guess when I look at it how absolutely nothing is new with me, I guess that somewhat explains it in my strange way of thinking. As wrong and inexcusable, which is why I can and will not try to make any, I’ll just call it what it is a damn shame and pretty much describes to a T one of the many reasons I can legit say I am not happy with my life right now and to again keep it 100 the only one to blame for that is me; that’s no sob story, boohoo, or pity party, that just is what it is, facts.

All that was in my mind after/during my visit when it came to fruition, but even after that I had the opportunity to salvage certain parts of it. The fact that I allowed myself to become complacent and fall into routine in certain aspects for so long can’t be salvaged in my opinion. Can’t be salvaged, but if I allow it and myself to it can be put back on track. Anyway yeah I had the chance to salvage certain aspects during the course of my trip. A trip which yes the primary motive behind was to see someone, but there were sub motives to the bigger picture also I guess you can say. I for one had to know whether there was still compatibility there. Years had passed apart and life happens. You feel it from a distance, but you never really know until you’re in that moment face to face. The other was I needed to see if I could actually see myself living there under any circumstances outside of the one I had already known from previously living there under different circumstances. I accomplished both of those sub motives in one form or the other. At first glance and through the first couple hours together, I had that feeling that I spoke of earlier of just knowing. The second wasn’t going to be that easy to figure out although the feeling from the first and subsequent conversations did however help that decision become easier. Now, I may not speak much during conversations in general with anyone sometimes, but I do almost every time take mental notes of things heard and apply them in some way or another. From a conversation that was had, I began let my mind wander and take a mental note to actually do some homework and find ways that would allow me actually live over there without actually having a job that based me there. Which up until that point in time was the only way I believed it could happen. Let me backtrack to something as I bring that up (all over the place again). When I mentioned earlier about the change in career actually may have been the best thing for me considering things. That is the thing I was referring to.  In my previous career, it was pretty much go wherever I’m told to go and the chances of me actually going back to where I wanted to be were actually getting slimmer and slimmer. At least with the new career path, I would have a better chance of ending up back there. I just had to find the right opportunity and hope they give me a chance and hire me. Now back to where I was, I did my homework and did find a way to make it happen. While not my preferred way of doing it, being that this was a way to do something I truly wanted I would do it if it came down to it. Even set forth a self-imposed as to how long I wait for option A. before I move onto the less ideal, but very acceptable option B.

I kind of lost track where I was going with that last section, but the only real known about this whole thing whatever it is, is that I’m just free flowing my many thoughts in my head and was going to be all over the place. I guess I’ll pick up here. Communication is very much one of my biggest defects. So, it comes off as no surprise that I kept all those things just mentioned close to the vest. Would I have mentioned them eventually, obviously yes, but I like to keep things to myself until I have a clear idea as to how exactly it’s going to play out or at least until I have some sort of idea how I plan to attack it and an idea of what comes next after that. But to be honest I wouldn’t have been surprised if I said it before the week ended amongst other discussions that needed to be and would’ve been had. Those discussions ultimately happened although not in the way I would’ve set forth for them to happen, but wisely from someone who knows me and knows that there was the chance they wouldn’t have happened if not brought up, which even I admit and may have even implied in here earlier there’s no guarantee they would have happened this week, although likely they would have come up in the mist of other discussions. I’ve said it before, I communicate best through writing, which she knows and hates for that matter so when that’s how the discussions happened when she brought them up, I was very comfortable with it and offered zero resistance until I got tired of typing (irony) and suggested we continue them face to face. That ultimately never happened. Just as another side note of that, it's frustrating and sad that conversation never happened, because we were honestly on the same page with everything she said during it, but I never told her. I legit felt the same exact way about it all: concerns, views on things that need to happen, overall outlook on this, everything. Legit on the same page. Meaning we both understood this whole thing and had the same views on everything that needed to happen between us.

So, I’m not really big on planning things out, I enjoy going with the flow and am much more of a spur of the moment. It has its pluses and minuses, and I’d even consider it another defect of mine. I feel like when I make plans, it locks me into something and I naturally become committed to doing it and if for whatever reason that plan falls through I feel some type of way about it no matter the reason. I will plan things out somewhat accordingly for example when I go on a trip, I don’t necessarily plan it out I’m going in advance, it’s really just spur of the moment “I wanna go insert random place” so I do what I need to do and make the arrangements for whenever I decide to go. I may or may not tell someone once I’m going, but after I made my mind up I’m going whether anyone accompanies me or not I’m going. Same with local stuff I could just be sitting around doing nothing and something happens or I see something spur of the moment no matter what triggers it and I go with it. I say that to say again I’m not really into making plans no matter what and again I admit it’s not the greatest way of doing things, but home or away it’s just how I am. I look back at my trip, while there were sub motives, the main motive for my trip was to see someone as much time as possible with someone. And honestly if I guess I could call that a plan although not really a plan, I don’t know. As I’m typing this I starting to see that I really should’ve thought that whole thing out more. I say that because as I did want to see her as much as possible, I also understood that she did have responsibilities that come first no matter what and here’s communication issues come into play at again. Instead of actually asking which would have eliminated a lot of things, I chose to take the approach of not necessarily asking her to make plans, but rather trying to fit into her existing schedule. As stated I don’t make plans like that, it may sound foolish and unthinkable for someone to travel that far and have absolutely zero real plans, I would completely agree 100 Percent with that, but I’m not like most, I’m just different and admit that to be a defect of mine. I’m perfectly fine just going with the flow and doing things as they may come even while on vacation, that’s just me and again I admit it’s not a great way to be, but it’s how I am. My only real goal was to see her as much as possible and knowing her responsibilities and not having any plans of my own especially I just felt like whenever/wherever based off of her schedule and availability I would be there. I didn’t feel right just throwing out places or things to do given the circumstances at any random moment of the week. Honestly, the only time I would’ve even paused at the thought of going somewhere was Saturday while the Auburn game was ion, but being real I ultimately still would’ve ended up meeting her somewhere even during the game if it came to it. Second fiddle and even third fiddle for that matter was a role I was more than happy to take during that trip. Communication, I could’ve easily thrown things out there and seen if babysitter for a possible night out, something that could be done all together, anything, but I didn’t and assumed the best way would be to just get in where I fit in with the wherever/whenever philosophy, not with her making the plans, just me getting in where I fit in in her daily routine. My mistake, all I had to do was ask and everything would’ve gone much smoother. In the end, I ultimately saw her the first three days I was there and enjoyed every second of those times, but never saw here again. The last communication we had was Saturday, the day before I left while I was watching college football online, as Saturday is college football day throughout the states. I was asked about my plans for the day and still ignorant to all in my true fashion I was still on the whenever wherever and I’ll be there. That didn’t go over well, although she never said it and she may actually have, I just don’t know and I’ll get into why in just a second, I feel like she wanted to see me this entire trip as much as I wanted to see her and all she wanted was for me to make plans and she would’ve made it work to be a part of those plans whatever they were, but of course you know me. And I know that frustrated her and I’ll go as far as to say that it likely did hurt her and maybe even pissed her off that we didn’t see each other especially even on my last day there. I got a message from her that night while watching the auburn game that I haven’t opened because I can’t all I needed to see was the preview that came across my phone “No plans…I’m disappointed…” Those last two words is what gets me and keeps me from opening the message. I pride in being someone people can count on always and to never let anyone in general down, especially those that I care about. All I needed to see was I’m disappointed and that was enough to know I fucked up. I have to admit that I’m also scared to open it, because in my eyes this may have been my last chance to set everything up and pave the way to getting back to what once was and what could/should be in my eyes. I fear reading it will also actually make it real that everything does come to an end and a certain parting word that I never like hearing or saying to anyone in any compacity and have always avoided anyone saying to me or me saying in any compacity because it seems so final to me will approach and I don’t know if I’m ready to accept that. And on the flip side not opening it keeping my phone off and remaining ghost on all social media as I am now with everyone could also lead to that, so I don’t even know anymore, but all these variables in a nutshell pretty much sum up the many thoughts on my mind right now and why I can legit say I am not happy with life right now on a personal side.

That was never supposed to be that long and I did not want to go into as much detail as I did. I guess I just had a lot on my mind and it just kept flowing. I also didn’t want to bring certain aspects into it, but she is a part of my story and a lot of my thoughts do revolve around her and what we had and I hoped to have again. I can’t stress enough how extremely proud of her I am and the woman she has become. I only wish I could’ve lived up to my side of things.

This next portion shouldn’t be that long, but knowing me, who knows.

Professionally, I can’t say things are THAT much better and is honestly just as frustrating if not more when I think about. Work has always been my getaway from any and everything that may be bothering me and when I get in my head. It’s my untiring work ethic that has always been there for me and set me up for success. To be honest it’s how I was able to transition from my previous career into my current one. As I’ve said before, I have a good job or a descent job I should say. Lately, though I’ve noticed I’m losing that and starting to become complacent at work as has been established I’ve become with a lot of things in my life. That bothers me because that’s something I’ve never been at work, but more and more I find just sitting around doing the bare minimum, not looking for extra things to do or learn, and taking frequent extended breaks just enough long enough to not be considered too excessive. All in ll just becoming something I never saw myself as ever becoming, someone just checking the button and only collecting pay checks.

I don’t really know the root of it and I can’t seam to shake it and I guess that is a huge part of it and honestly maybe I do somewhat know the root of it a little, but either way I still can’t shake it and that’s a problem. I was very fortunate to hold something in my previous job that will carry me a long way as long as I stay in the field and don’t do anything to lose it. It will essentially guarantee a job in most places that I can think of going and for that matter a nice paying job at that, although admittingly the money isn’t really that important to me especially if it’s somewhere I really want to go, which is honestly only 2 places. Those 2 places would be the only places I would go no matter how much they offered me, anywhere else I’d consider, but the pay would have to be equal or more than what I’m making now.  With that said I do feel like maybe it is time for a change of scenery, and I’m not saying that is the root that I was speaking of, but I do think that maybe it is time and that could remedy my current mindset. I’ve recently and not even just recently because I’ve been looking for a while just not as serious as I’ve been recently looking at opportunities to relocate to one of those places, but unfortunately, I’ve struck out each time I applied. I haven’t been looking at the second place because it’s always been an unknown known that when it’s all said and done I will end up there it’s just a matter of where I end up in between.

Another factor that factors in is my current boss retires in December and she’s sort of a big deal and knows anyone and everyone in this field and has reached out to help to others to try and help me out in getting to where I want to be in an effort to make sure I’m taken care of when she retires, because I was hired to specifically help her and when she retires the choice could be made to let me go, but who knows if that was to happen, unlikely in my opinion and from every impression I’ve been given, but again, who knows. Regardless, that plays into a certain self-proclaimed timeline I mentioned earlier, which essentially involves me giving it until December to find a position over there in my current career and if not moving onto option B. that I mentioned. Option B. is scary because it would entail me letting go of the open ticket to employment I’ve had since my previous job and essentially starting over in a brand-new place with potentially up to 6 months before I could even consider working there unless status changed before then. Giving up that ticket is something I’ve thought about before, because at the end of the day I do sort of miss having a normal job that I can actually talk about outside of work. I also miss just being able to have a hands-on job, because when I think about it I’ve essentially just turned into a glorified secretary working a desk job and that is not me at all. I call myself after leaving my previous job, finding one similar doing the same thing and working in the same environment, while not actually doing it, because I can’t anymore and thinking that would be fulfilling until I was ready to move on, but that wasn’t the case by far. I likening it to working somewhere actually doing the job and then moving on to work at the corporate building where they actually attempt to make decisions to make those doing the job’s life better. I’m close to the job, but I’d much rather be doing the job instead of the behind the scenes work. It was fine for a while, but this desk job life isn’t for me and I believe and sorta know it’s starting to show and my unhappiness with it is definitely starting to show through my complacency I think. I need to figure out what I want to do, leave but what’s next after that, I haven’t a clue. There was a time when teaching was in my future and was at one point was my dream pre and post my former job, but I’ll be honest with myself the chances of me going back to school are pretty small and for no real reason other than I lost that motivation and I just don’t see it coming back. So I don’t know, I’m just frustrated with it all and the lack of any direction toward how I want to go doesn’t make it any better. It’s not too big of a deal, yet, but to be 100 it can get there and that’s where I see it headed.

As I wrap this whole thing up I really don’t know what this is, I guess it was just a way to clear my mind, Because I don’t really talk to anyone. The only other I talk to about things on my mind is my day 1 and she can never answer me and it would legit scare the hell out of me if she ever did. Love ya sis and every day wish you were with me and I still believe it should’ve been you instead of me if only one could be here, but I digress. So, in the end I guess this is just my way of talking to myself because what it all boils down to is I have a lot on my mind I am not a happy person with any aspect of my life as a whole, on so many different levels. I am not where I should be or envisioned myself at and the only person to really blame for it all is myself. I’m only 35, I say that like that’s a positive, but it’s not in my eyes. Yeah some could say that’s young and I still have a whole life ahead of me to live, but I don’t see it that way I see it as a disappointment of me not being where I want/wanted to be in my life at this point and again all I have to blame is myself for that. I’m not in a good place right now in my mind and certainly not happy or content in any aspect of my life, but I’m also not completely unhappy. I really don’t know what I am right now. I’m legit just blah and certainly not living, only existing. Honestly, a part of me right now just feels like in all aspects of this disappointment I have going right now I should just part with a simple goodbye.

Back at it

It's been a minute and I've had a lot on my mind lately, so I'm deciding to try and pick this up again. I actually forgot all about this until i was recently reminded of it. We'll see how long I keep it up, if at all.

As usual it'll mainly be just my random thoughts and writings usually done out of boredom. Not really intended to make sense or anything, just being bored and with thoughts on my mind. Enjoy or not. Much love and be Blessed - CJ