happiness

 What is happiness?

Not pride, but fear

Not pride, but fear.......Sometimes Oftentimes it's not pride, but fear that stands in my way. Rather than stand up and face the fear no matter how small or big it may be, often times it just feels right to take the coward approach and shut down and shut off from everything. Not just because of fear of the outcome, but also because of the fear that even if it does turn out in the positive direction initially, a way to muck it up in the end will be found by you and ultimately happen and you'd rather save someone else from experiencing that. Thus taking you back to point A in the end. Why, because at the end of the day the fear of many things and knowing yourself and your self sabotaging ways will always stand in the way of going after things you truly want in life because you know how it's going to turn out in the end and you've accepted it and grown to welcome it. It's not a way to live one's life and there's no way it can lead to happiness in life, but it's the life one lives and maybe deserves. So no it's not pride that keeps me from going after that happiness, it's simply fear on so many different levels that stands in my way.

What could've been

What could've been. What should've been and the sad reality that it just won't be. They say you're never supposed to question the man above as to why and i can i get that, but still can't help but ask why and be pissed at myself and him for allowing me to screw the dream up after given a chance to make a years long dream come true. Now that it's all seemingly come to an end, all one can do is sit back mad at the world with no faith in anything whatsoever and no one to blame but oneself. It used to be God and I, but nowadays that faith and belief has seemingly gone out the window and it's just I.I truly wanted wanted my dream and that happy ending to come true in the end, but my actions failed to show it in the end, but I guess me being me it was always going to end like this and I get that. It's just cest ma vie and it is what it is, as they say. #Raven#Trey #her #I #RandA #LoSiento

Thoughts on the mind

The mind can be a dangerous place if you allow yourself to dwell in it for too long and I guess I know that far too well. So, not saying this is going to allow me to escape from it or even provide any remedy to it (honestly not even sure if it requires any remedy to be 100 about it). All I know is I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now about a multitude of things and as I was reminded recently I’ve always done my best communication through pen/paper or keyboard/monitor. That’s a story in itself that I may come across while doing this. With that said I don’t really know what this is going to be, so I can pretty much guarantee this will end up being a direct reflection of my thoughts in my mind as they are right now: all over the place with zero structure, order, and for that matter no real purpose at all. I just felt like trying to clear my mind and as I just stated, writing has always been my best way of communication and doing that, sometimes even when it’s only myself I’m doing it with.

35, 35 years old man where has my life gone. I mean I’ve lived a life in the past 35 years that has been pretty fair for the most part. To use one of my most common responses when often asked how I’m doing, “I can’t complain”. I mean I’ve travelled the world, have a decent job, bills are paid, etc. so I guess one could say my life is good and I really can’t complain from a professional standpoint in life, but I revert back to the caveat “for the most part” and should probably be saying I won’t complain instead of can’t. Upon becoming old enough to understand how I envisioned my life I broke it down into 4 quarters. The first quarter would be the learning/growing quarter where I obviously grow up and begin setting myself up for the remainder of my life. That essentially went all according to plan. I lived and I grew up. There were learning experiences as expected, but all was going as ultimately envisioned and I was growing as a person through every experience good and bad both professionally and personally as I moved into quarter 2.

The second quarter which is obviously where I am now at 35 was supposed to see me continue to grow in every aspect as I begin establishing myself in my career and my personal life as a family man. That’s where the for the most part comes into play. Professionally saw me change careers after leaving my previous 11 year career on not exactly the best of terms, but I did manage to bounce back from that and move directly into a different position which for all intents and purposes may have been the best move for me considering things I had envisioned happening in my life. And as a side note while the way I left my previous job wasn’t great, I’ll openly admit it was only a matter of time before it happened, because it could’ve and quite frankly should’ve happened long before it ultimately did, but I digress. Despite what could’ve been seen as a bad fortune of events, I was able to continue to move forward and grow in my professional life mainly due to my work ethic and refusal to become complacent. That’s something that may or may not come up again later in this, because that mindset is slowly but surely beginning to change, although there is still a chance it doesn’t. 

I recently turned 35 and I guess it’s fitting in a way that I spent that day visiting the same place I moved into the second quarter of my life 10 years earlier and that’s where the mind really started going into overboard about WTF am I doing with my life. I look around and I see all those I grew up with one way or the other in my first 25 years and I see where there life is and the amount of growth in it to this point in their respective lives. It’s something I’ve always noticed from afar, because I always keep tabs from a distance, because while not being the best at keeping in touch directly I do make it a point to check in indirectly from time to time to make sure all is good in their lives. But I guess when it really hit home and began to clout the mind was during my weeklong visit. Now there is no secret my life and mindset changed 10 years ago when I met certain 18 year old who left a lasting impact on me and life and qiote frankly became the LOML. I’m not going to get into all the details, but I’ll just say through 10 years her and I have always managed to somehow find our way back into each other’s lives even after ending our romantic relationship and often going periods without directly speaking. It was almost as if we were destined to be in not only my opinion, but in every aspect of my being. That’s ultimately the reason I decided to take my visit there was to see and spend as much time as possible with her. I was always observant so I was no stranger to her current life and I essentially knew what I was walking into, but I wasn’t prepared to come to the realization that so much had changed. Now, don’t get me wrong or anything it’s been 10 years of course situations have changed and growth should have occurred, but sadly that had only been the case for one of us. I began to realize this on my end when we were out at a restaurant and I was asked 2 questions, what’s new with me and why don’t I have any children yet (heard that one multiple times throughout the years and I’ve never given an answer although I always knew the answer and this time was no different I gave a non-answer answer). That question, while seemingly out of nowhere and I did give a non-answer answer, didn’t really get to me too much, because if given a thought I could easily figure out exactly why it was asked. The other question, while honestly just a general conversation question was the one that struck a nerve within myself, because I answered it the same way I always have, “absolutely nothing”. Which when I thought/think about it more and more it’s actually pretty sad. Not sad in a boohoo woes me pity part kind of way, but more so of a how the fuck can you not have changed or not just changed but grown some in the past 10 years. Through no fault but my own that is exactly the case. My life has essentially been a standstill for the past 10 years, at least on the personal side and possibly even on the professional side as well if I really thought about it, just not quite as long. 

  

As I get sidetracked again (see all over the place) I’m reminded that there was another question that really stood out to me although not as much as the others, probably because of the timing, but the basis of the question really hammered home my current clouded mind state when thought about. My first day there after returning from dinner, I was asked is she still the same *insert name here* you remember. My response without any hesitation was “yes”, but that was only based off just seeing her for the first time in a minute and only spending maybe an hour or two with her. At the end of the day my answer couldn’t have been any more wrong, although in a way it was also correct, but in the bigger and complete picture it was wrong. I say that because in a way she’ll always be the same *insert name here* to me deep down. It’s something you just feel in the moment that you just know. Kind of hard to explain, so I’m not going to try. I know what I mean. Where I was incorrect with my answer was she’s not the same, because I look at her now, compared to the 18 year old I met 10 years prior, who was amazing in my eyes then, I see a person who has grown leaps and bounds since then and I honestly could not be more proud of the Woman she has become. A single mother raising two amazing children and doing a great job with both, has her priorities in order and knows what she wants out of life. I could go on and on about her growth and change and it would all be extremely accurate and not overly exaggerated, but I won’t and will just sum it up by stating again, I could and cannot be any more Prouder than I am of her, seeing her growth and the Woman she has become. With that proudness does come with the sad fact and realization that I cannot say the same for myself though. For all the change and growth in her life in the past 10 years, my life has essentially remained in the same standstill it was then.

It can almost be summed up as I hit pause and never went back and pushed play again. I’m not one for excuses, I just state what happened and my view and at the end of day I take the full ownership of it no matter the situation, especially when it’s something that could’ve/should’ve been prevented. I believe this whole thing fits that description in a way or not idk. What I do know is that there is literally no one to blame for my lack of movement, but myself. To dive further into I guess, I should finally answer the one question that I mentioned earlier that I’ve always given a non-answer answer to and it pretty much applies to this whole thing in a way. Why don’t I had any children, while that day I didn’t answer the question to her I later answered it for her in the way that I do my best communication electronically. Again, that is a story in itself that I may or may not get in to here, but I likely will. The easy answer to that question isn’t complicated, I just chose not to answer people and just laugh/smile it off. It dates fittingly enough back to 10 years ago the final year of my self-proclaimed phase 1 of my life. Plans were made to have a family one day. Plans that included names and all, literally the only missing aspect of the plans was where exactly this family was going to reside. Minor detail that would’ve been worked out in time.  With all that said, life happens. Our relationship ended, but we always managed to found our way back into each other’s lives even without long periods of silence. But during this time again I say life happens. Specific details don’t need to be dove into, because they don’t really factor into anything in my eyes, feelings remained the same and I still kept the hopes of those initial plans alive in me. So, the answer to the question is very simple, I had zero desire to move on into a real relationship with anyone or have a child with anyone as long as the hope was still in me that it was possible to it with the one I made plans with all those years ago. Whether that was right or wrong smart or dumb, it doesn’t/didn’t matter it’s simply how I’ve felt all these years. Now I’m not going to lie to myself and act like I haven’t had a few relationships in the time, but none real or ever with any attempt to become serious. I don’t really know what they were to be honest, but I made every attempt and succeeded in making sure I led no one on into believing anything was more than it was or ever could be.  Again whether that was right or wrong smart or dumb it’s what I did.

Through that time I pretty much became complacent about my personal life and would/is slowly bleeding over into my professional life. My days slowly become more and more robotic each day. I stopped going out except on the very rare occasion or even talking to anyone outside of work. My days literally consist of me waking up, going to work, coming home, tv/video games, sleep, repeat with very little conversation in between. Now, I’ve always been quiet and someone to keep to myself for the most part, some would say anti-social, but it’s taken a whole new level. I literally do nothing and barely talk to anyone nowadays. I can’t really explain that one, it made since in a relationship standpoint, at least to me it did or even better I made it make sense. I didn’t want to risk getting close to anyone knowing that my mind and heart was set on other plans happening, but somewhere in there along the line it stretched out into everything. Now to be honest, it’s a social life I feel somewhat comfortable with or at least I think I do, because I’m the type person who really just enjoys the company of that special someone and if that’s the only person I ever spoke to or spent my time around I honestly think I would be fine, but when that’s not the case when you’ve spent so much time separating yourself from any emotional attachment to anyone or anything friendships and more it’s become second nature and routine for you, you sort of fall into complacency and used to the thought of being a dare I say loner and complacent following that same daily routine alone. Now despite that feeling, which I ultimately admit I ignored and forgot because as I said it just became routine for me and I didn’t notice it to be honest, the hope remained all would be fine because as I said as long as I was with that special person I felt right or wrong all would be just fine, us against the world, against the world may not be the appropriate wording or phrase, but in essence I mean her and I and our family would be all I need the rest I don’t need. I probably got off course with this but as I said there are a million and 1 things going on in this brain right now and I’m just typing. But yeah I guess when I look at it how absolutely nothing is new with me, I guess that somewhat explains it in my strange way of thinking. As wrong and inexcusable, which is why I can and will not try to make any, I’ll just call it what it is a damn shame and pretty much describes to a T one of the many reasons I can legit say I am not happy with my life right now and to again keep it 100 the only one to blame for that is me; that’s no sob story, boohoo, or pity party, that just is what it is, facts.

All that was in my mind after/during my visit when it came to fruition, but even after that I had the opportunity to salvage certain parts of it. The fact that I allowed myself to become complacent and fall into routine in certain aspects for so long can’t be salvaged in my opinion. Can’t be salvaged, but if I allow it and myself to it can be put back on track. Anyway yeah I had the chance to salvage certain aspects during the course of my trip. A trip which yes the primary motive behind was to see someone, but there were sub motives to the bigger picture also I guess you can say. I for one had to know whether there was still compatibility there. Years had passed apart and life happens. You feel it from a distance, but you never really know until you’re in that moment face to face. The other was I needed to see if I could actually see myself living there under any circumstances outside of the one I had already known from previously living there under different circumstances. I accomplished both of those sub motives in one form or the other. At first glance and through the first couple hours together, I had that feeling that I spoke of earlier of just knowing. The second wasn’t going to be that easy to figure out although the feeling from the first and subsequent conversations did however help that decision become easier. Now, I may not speak much during conversations in general with anyone sometimes, but I do almost every time take mental notes of things heard and apply them in some way or another. From a conversation that was had, I began let my mind wander and take a mental note to actually do some homework and find ways that would allow me actually live over there without actually having a job that based me there. Which up until that point in time was the only way I believed it could happen. Let me backtrack to something as I bring that up (all over the place again). When I mentioned earlier about the change in career actually may have been the best thing for me considering things. That is the thing I was referring to.  In my previous career, it was pretty much go wherever I’m told to go and the chances of me actually going back to where I wanted to be were actually getting slimmer and slimmer. At least with the new career path, I would have a better chance of ending up back there. I just had to find the right opportunity and hope they give me a chance and hire me. Now back to where I was, I did my homework and did find a way to make it happen. While not my preferred way of doing it, being that this was a way to do something I truly wanted I would do it if it came down to it. Even set forth a self-imposed as to how long I wait for option A. before I move onto the less ideal, but very acceptable option B.

I kind of lost track where I was going with that last section, but the only real known about this whole thing whatever it is, is that I’m just free flowing my many thoughts in my head and was going to be all over the place. I guess I’ll pick up here. Communication is very much one of my biggest defects. So, it comes off as no surprise that I kept all those things just mentioned close to the vest. Would I have mentioned them eventually, obviously yes, but I like to keep things to myself until I have a clear idea as to how exactly it’s going to play out or at least until I have some sort of idea how I plan to attack it and an idea of what comes next after that. But to be honest I wouldn’t have been surprised if I said it before the week ended amongst other discussions that needed to be and would’ve been had. Those discussions ultimately happened although not in the way I would’ve set forth for them to happen, but wisely from someone who knows me and knows that there was the chance they wouldn’t have happened if not brought up, which even I admit and may have even implied in here earlier there’s no guarantee they would have happened this week, although likely they would have come up in the mist of other discussions. I’ve said it before, I communicate best through writing, which she knows and hates for that matter so when that’s how the discussions happened when she brought them up, I was very comfortable with it and offered zero resistance until I got tired of typing (irony) and suggested we continue them face to face. That ultimately never happened. Just as another side note of that, it's frustrating and sad that conversation never happened, because we were honestly on the same page with everything she said during it, but I never told her. I legit felt the same exact way about it all: concerns, views on things that need to happen, overall outlook on this, everything. Legit on the same page. Meaning we both understood this whole thing and had the same views on everything that needed to happen between us.

So, I’m not really big on planning things out, I enjoy going with the flow and am much more of a spur of the moment. It has its pluses and minuses, and I’d even consider it another defect of mine. I feel like when I make plans, it locks me into something and I naturally become committed to doing it and if for whatever reason that plan falls through I feel some type of way about it no matter the reason. I will plan things out somewhat accordingly for example when I go on a trip, I don’t necessarily plan it out I’m going in advance, it’s really just spur of the moment “I wanna go insert random place” so I do what I need to do and make the arrangements for whenever I decide to go. I may or may not tell someone once I’m going, but after I made my mind up I’m going whether anyone accompanies me or not I’m going. Same with local stuff I could just be sitting around doing nothing and something happens or I see something spur of the moment no matter what triggers it and I go with it. I say that to say again I’m not really into making plans no matter what and again I admit it’s not the greatest way of doing things, but home or away it’s just how I am. I look back at my trip, while there were sub motives, the main motive for my trip was to see someone as much time as possible with someone. And honestly if I guess I could call that a plan although not really a plan, I don’t know. As I’m typing this I starting to see that I really should’ve thought that whole thing out more. I say that because as I did want to see her as much as possible, I also understood that she did have responsibilities that come first no matter what and here’s communication issues come into play at again. Instead of actually asking which would have eliminated a lot of things, I chose to take the approach of not necessarily asking her to make plans, but rather trying to fit into her existing schedule. As stated I don’t make plans like that, it may sound foolish and unthinkable for someone to travel that far and have absolutely zero real plans, I would completely agree 100 Percent with that, but I’m not like most, I’m just different and admit that to be a defect of mine. I’m perfectly fine just going with the flow and doing things as they may come even while on vacation, that’s just me and again I admit it’s not a great way to be, but it’s how I am. My only real goal was to see her as much as possible and knowing her responsibilities and not having any plans of my own especially I just felt like whenever/wherever based off of her schedule and availability I would be there. I didn’t feel right just throwing out places or things to do given the circumstances at any random moment of the week. Honestly, the only time I would’ve even paused at the thought of going somewhere was Saturday while the Auburn game was ion, but being real I ultimately still would’ve ended up meeting her somewhere even during the game if it came to it. Second fiddle and even third fiddle for that matter was a role I was more than happy to take during that trip. Communication, I could’ve easily thrown things out there and seen if babysitter for a possible night out, something that could be done all together, anything, but I didn’t and assumed the best way would be to just get in where I fit in with the wherever/whenever philosophy, not with her making the plans, just me getting in where I fit in in her daily routine. My mistake, all I had to do was ask and everything would’ve gone much smoother. In the end, I ultimately saw her the first three days I was there and enjoyed every second of those times, but never saw here again. The last communication we had was Saturday, the day before I left while I was watching college football online, as Saturday is college football day throughout the states. I was asked about my plans for the day and still ignorant to all in my true fashion I was still on the whenever wherever and I’ll be there. That didn’t go over well, although she never said it and she may actually have, I just don’t know and I’ll get into why in just a second, I feel like she wanted to see me this entire trip as much as I wanted to see her and all she wanted was for me to make plans and she would’ve made it work to be a part of those plans whatever they were, but of course you know me. And I know that frustrated her and I’ll go as far as to say that it likely did hurt her and maybe even pissed her off that we didn’t see each other especially even on my last day there. I got a message from her that night while watching the auburn game that I haven’t opened because I can’t all I needed to see was the preview that came across my phone “No plans…I’m disappointed…” Those last two words is what gets me and keeps me from opening the message. I pride in being someone people can count on always and to never let anyone in general down, especially those that I care about. All I needed to see was I’m disappointed and that was enough to know I fucked up. I have to admit that I’m also scared to open it, because in my eyes this may have been my last chance to set everything up and pave the way to getting back to what once was and what could/should be in my eyes. I fear reading it will also actually make it real that everything does come to an end and a certain parting word that I never like hearing or saying to anyone in any compacity and have always avoided anyone saying to me or me saying in any compacity because it seems so final to me will approach and I don’t know if I’m ready to accept that. And on the flip side not opening it keeping my phone off and remaining ghost on all social media as I am now with everyone could also lead to that, so I don’t even know anymore, but all these variables in a nutshell pretty much sum up the many thoughts on my mind right now and why I can legit say I am not happy with life right now on a personal side.

That was never supposed to be that long and I did not want to go into as much detail as I did. I guess I just had a lot on my mind and it just kept flowing. I also didn’t want to bring certain aspects into it, but she is a part of my story and a lot of my thoughts do revolve around her and what we had and I hoped to have again. I can’t stress enough how extremely proud of her I am and the woman she has become. I only wish I could’ve lived up to my side of things.

This next portion shouldn’t be that long, but knowing me, who knows.

Professionally, I can’t say things are THAT much better and is honestly just as frustrating if not more when I think about. Work has always been my getaway from any and everything that may be bothering me and when I get in my head. It’s my untiring work ethic that has always been there for me and set me up for success. To be honest it’s how I was able to transition from my previous career into my current one. As I’ve said before, I have a good job or a descent job I should say. Lately, though I’ve noticed I’m losing that and starting to become complacent at work as has been established I’ve become with a lot of things in my life. That bothers me because that’s something I’ve never been at work, but more and more I find just sitting around doing the bare minimum, not looking for extra things to do or learn, and taking frequent extended breaks just enough long enough to not be considered too excessive. All in ll just becoming something I never saw myself as ever becoming, someone just checking the button and only collecting pay checks.

I don’t really know the root of it and I can’t seam to shake it and I guess that is a huge part of it and honestly maybe I do somewhat know the root of it a little, but either way I still can’t shake it and that’s a problem. I was very fortunate to hold something in my previous job that will carry me a long way as long as I stay in the field and don’t do anything to lose it. It will essentially guarantee a job in most places that I can think of going and for that matter a nice paying job at that, although admittingly the money isn’t really that important to me especially if it’s somewhere I really want to go, which is honestly only 2 places. Those 2 places would be the only places I would go no matter how much they offered me, anywhere else I’d consider, but the pay would have to be equal or more than what I’m making now.  With that said I do feel like maybe it is time for a change of scenery, and I’m not saying that is the root that I was speaking of, but I do think that maybe it is time and that could remedy my current mindset. I’ve recently and not even just recently because I’ve been looking for a while just not as serious as I’ve been recently looking at opportunities to relocate to one of those places, but unfortunately, I’ve struck out each time I applied. I haven’t been looking at the second place because it’s always been an unknown known that when it’s all said and done I will end up there it’s just a matter of where I end up in between.

Another factor that factors in is my current boss retires in December and she’s sort of a big deal and knows anyone and everyone in this field and has reached out to help to others to try and help me out in getting to where I want to be in an effort to make sure I’m taken care of when she retires, because I was hired to specifically help her and when she retires the choice could be made to let me go, but who knows if that was to happen, unlikely in my opinion and from every impression I’ve been given, but again, who knows. Regardless, that plays into a certain self-proclaimed timeline I mentioned earlier, which essentially involves me giving it until December to find a position over there in my current career and if not moving onto option B. that I mentioned. Option B. is scary because it would entail me letting go of the open ticket to employment I’ve had since my previous job and essentially starting over in a brand-new place with potentially up to 6 months before I could even consider working there unless status changed before then. Giving up that ticket is something I’ve thought about before, because at the end of the day I do sort of miss having a normal job that I can actually talk about outside of work. I also miss just being able to have a hands-on job, because when I think about it I’ve essentially just turned into a glorified secretary working a desk job and that is not me at all. I call myself after leaving my previous job, finding one similar doing the same thing and working in the same environment, while not actually doing it, because I can’t anymore and thinking that would be fulfilling until I was ready to move on, but that wasn’t the case by far. I likening it to working somewhere actually doing the job and then moving on to work at the corporate building where they actually attempt to make decisions to make those doing the job’s life better. I’m close to the job, but I’d much rather be doing the job instead of the behind the scenes work. It was fine for a while, but this desk job life isn’t for me and I believe and sorta know it’s starting to show and my unhappiness with it is definitely starting to show through my complacency I think. I need to figure out what I want to do, leave but what’s next after that, I haven’t a clue. There was a time when teaching was in my future and was at one point was my dream pre and post my former job, but I’ll be honest with myself the chances of me going back to school are pretty small and for no real reason other than I lost that motivation and I just don’t see it coming back. So I don’t know, I’m just frustrated with it all and the lack of any direction toward how I want to go doesn’t make it any better. It’s not too big of a deal, yet, but to be 100 it can get there and that’s where I see it headed.

As I wrap this whole thing up I really don’t know what this is, I guess it was just a way to clear my mind, Because I don’t really talk to anyone. The only other I talk to about things on my mind is my day 1 and she can never answer me and it would legit scare the hell out of me if she ever did. Love ya sis and every day wish you were with me and I still believe it should’ve been you instead of me if only one could be here, but I digress. So, in the end I guess this is just my way of talking to myself because what it all boils down to is I have a lot on my mind I am not a happy person with any aspect of my life as a whole, on so many different levels. I am not where I should be or envisioned myself at and the only person to really blame for it all is myself. I’m only 35, I say that like that’s a positive, but it’s not in my eyes. Yeah some could say that’s young and I still have a whole life ahead of me to live, but I don’t see it that way I see it as a disappointment of me not being where I want/wanted to be in my life at this point and again all I have to blame is myself for that. I’m not in a good place right now in my mind and certainly not happy or content in any aspect of my life, but I’m also not completely unhappy. I really don’t know what I am right now. I’m legit just blah and certainly not living, only existing. Honestly, a part of me right now just feels like in all aspects of this disappointment I have going right now I should just part with a simple goodbye.

Back at it

It's been a minute and I've had a lot on my mind lately, so I'm deciding to try and pick this up again. I actually forgot all about this until i was recently reminded of it. We'll see how long I keep it up, if at all.

As usual it'll mainly be just my random thoughts and writings usually done out of boredom. Not really intended to make sense or anything, just being bored and with thoughts on my mind. Enjoy or not. Much love and be Blessed - CJ

90's R&B male singers

Continuing with my series on 90's music next up on the list I'm going to do is 90's R&B male singers.  A lot of these guys career spands over decades other than the 90's, but they either started in the 90's and are still going strong today or they started in the 80's and had atleast one hit that involved in the 90's era. So I chose to include them in this post.  If you missed my previous post on 90's R&B groups you can go back and check it out if you look in the section to the right of this post.  As with the groups if you haven'y heard of ant of these guys, then I strongly encourage you to go to youtube and take a listen to some of their other songs other than the one's I have for them on here and you can thank me later.  Again I'll try to keep the list to 10, but just like the groups I doubt that happens.

Without further ado in no particular order let's go down memory lane to the greatest era of music ever

Brian Mcknight

I don't know what he was thinking when he came out with that song last year, but during the 90's Brian Mcknight was one of the best singers of the 90's.

R. Kelly

One of those still going hard today.  People can talk about and judge him for his personal life all they want but when it comes to music, no one could ever doubt or touch Kellz in the 90's and if you ask me no one can still touch him to this day.

Luther Vandross

Now I know Mr. Vandross made his name in the 80's and depending on your age a lot of us were probably concieved to Luther, but he was around the during the 90's and was a part of the era especially with his remake of Always and Forever. R.I.P.

John B.

I'll be the first to admit along with probably alot of other people, I had no idea John B. was white until I saw this video.  He was definitely a big part of the 90's era, dude was hella talented.

Babyface

The man who probably produced your favorite artist's song.  Babyface is a legend in this game as a producer, but he also held it down as an artist during the 90's.

Maxwell

Maxwell is still doing his thing today and a lot of hits did come after the 90's, but he had a few hits like this one back in the 90's when he was still rockin the fro.

D'angelo

Can't talk about the 90's without D'angelo.  He held it down completely.

Gerald Levert

Gerald Levert one of the kings of the 90's.  Whether he was making hits with his brothers, dad, or johnny gill and keith sweat, or just doing it by himself he was doing it better than a lot of others. R.I.P

Keith Sweat

Keith Sweat has been doing it since the 80's and although I think his best song is make it last forever in 87, but can't deny this and a few otehrs were some of the best songs of the 90's. Begging as people like to say or not dude has talent.

Johnny Gill

Another one who has been doing this for a while and still going today, Johnny Gill.

**I guess since I put those 3 right after each other I'll put a video of their group together LSG

Aaron Hall

He moved on from the group Guy and had a nice solo career.  This was one of his biggest hits and on a sidenote, this might have been one of the realest and saddest music videos EVER.

**i'm not stopping at 10 by the way**

Tyrese

Tyrese is another still doing his thing today, but it all started with this one and of course the infamous Coke commercial(see below)

Case

Ginuwine

**And just as I did with LSG here's a video of these 3 joined by RL of the group Next**

Tevin Campbell

Tevin Campbell had one of the first songs I ever learned all of the words to and still know them all to this day,Can we Talk was my song, the perfect song for an introvert like me lol. and "ready" was one of the first CD's I ever owned.

Joe

As with a lot of others Joe is still doing his thing today, but if my memory serves me correctly it all started with this song. A classic in my mind.

Jesse Powell

Kenny Lattimore

If I have no other say in my wedding plans, my only request will be that this be one of the two songs I want played.

Rome

As far as I can remember this may have been his only hit, but it was big during the era and one of my personal favorites

Uncle Sam

Like Rome, this may have been his only hit, but it was just that a Hit.  Shout out to anybody who has ever had a ex completely F*ck them over, this songs for you.

Donnell Jones

And I'll end this with someone I should've put in the group post, but I forgot and put only jodeci, but I can't do 90's r&b without these two by themselves cause they held it down even without the rest of Jodeci

K-Ci & JoJo

Alright that does it for male R&B singers.  I hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane of the greatest era of music ever the 90's.  Be sure to check out my first post in the series, 90's groups.  Next up I think I'm going to do 90's hip hop and save female singers for last.  Much Love and be Blessed. - CJ 

Random Story of Love

As usual I'm sitting at work bored, so I decided to just be random and write a little story.  Now this story may or may not be true, but it's just something I wanted to share during one of my random and boredom thought sessions.  Feel free to critique if you want and give your opinion,  if it bores you that's cool cause as with most of my post it really doesn't serve a true purpose,  it's just me being me bored and sharing my thoughts.I know it's hella long, but no one has to read it really but me anyway and I don't really expect anyone to read it but me, but if anyone does read this don't take my comments above as me being rude or anything. I just don't expect others to read this or any of my post and if they do I like for them to be forewarned . Enjoy or not. Much love and be blessed. - CJ

And now the story

This story starts off on a Thursday summer night in June.  A young man went out to a club with his best friend (whom we will call P for the sake of this story) to celebrate the high school graduation of a few of their friends, well maybe not even friends, more of associates.  One of those however happened to be the ex-girlfriend of the young man who frequently hung out with him and his actual friends.  The night started off as any typical night out and as any celebration generally does with alot of alcohol and a few party favors.  Now before any questions get asked like "how are recent high school graduates in the club drinking and partying" well not that it doesn't happen over here in the states cause everyone would be lying if they said it doesn't, but this location was overseas where the legal drinking age is not 21.  As the night progressed the young man continued to indulge in party favors and alcohol as he was celebrating with his friends or associates.  After the club ended, he ran into P outside the club, because due to his state he had lost him in the club.  P was with another one of their friends(we will call her L)  whom they had known for a while.  L was with two of her friends that neither P nor the young man had met before.  P had somehow managed to convince them to go hang out with him over another of his friends house.  P invited the young man to come with them in the taxi over to the friends house, however the young man told them he would just meet them over there.  He didn't go with them due to the fact that he just gotten into an argument with his ex and he wanted to go track her down. After some time passed the young man in no real state to be out by himself, received a few calls from P asking him where he was and to come on, but to bring no one with him.  He obliged and gave up on tracking down his ex and got in a taxi and headed over to the friends house where P, L and her two friends were.  He arrived at the house to find the four of them sitting on the floor drinking 40's of all things and playing card games.  He was introduced to the two he did not know again, because he had forgotten there names by the time he arrived.(we will call them R.L. and E) and joined in on the drinking and games.  As the night went on and turned into daylight. P eventually got tired and the young man gave him some money to get a cab back home, while he randomly stayed with the ladies.  They eventually all got hungry and the young man offered to take them all to breakfast, however they ended up walking to L's house and her mother cooked breakfast.  It was then the young man learned something that would stick with him forever, that people from that country eat beans and tomatoes for breakfast, which was something that wasn't his thing so he politely declined when the mother asked if he wanted any.  He remained at the house with them sitting on the computer while the three of them chatted up.  After a little while he began to feel awkward and out of place, so he called a cab and went home.

After arriving home and a much needed sleep, the young man began asking P about E one of the friends that was with L.  P told him he should have said something and that he actually had a chance to try and sleep with her, while playing the card game, but he missed his chance cause he was too messed up.  Which was true, the young man was way too messed up, he couldn't even remember this moment in the card game P was referring too, all that he could remember was she said she was 18, and he only remembered that because he was shocked, because he thought she looked older.  However, the young man told P, that he really wasn't interested in just sleeping with her, he thought maybe there could be more there. To which shocked P, because he and the young man were best friends and he knows the young man very well, so for him to say that caught him off guard.  However he told the young man that he should've said something or at least tried to make some kind of move, he agreed and thought yeah he should've made a move, but truth be told he was probably a little intimidated, because well E was very attractive and combined with his state of mind when he met her, he couldn't do a thing.  Every time after that when P and the young man saw L, the young man would tell her to hook him up with her friend E.  She would say okay, however she didn't think that E was really into black guys and only dated white guys, but she would try.  L finally came through for the young man and told him she would get E to come out with her so he and his friends should come out.  They came out and as they were stepping off the bus, they noticed an ambulance in front of the club they were heading to.  As they walked to the door, they noticed L outside of the club and she told them that E had her drink spiked and that the ambulance was for her.  The young man and his friends were shocked and a bit sad for her that something like that happened. As weeks passed the young man couldn't get E off his mind, he even had L call her outside of the club just so he could speak to her and say hey, to see how she was doing. To which was the first time the two had spoken since the night they met.  L was not to blame for that though, because she kept her side of the deal and talked the young man up to E, but she wasn't really feeling him that way, because he had his chance and didn't take advantage of it that first night, which was true because P had told the man a while back that he should of tried to make his move that night instead of being all "quiet and shy".

Weeks passed and the young man was sent back to the states for 8 weeks because throughout that year he had been a bit reckless and couldn't keep himself out of trouble and that was his job's way of giving him a chance to rehabilitate himself and come back better than he was when he left.  The rehabilitation didn't work, but however he did take a giant step for him when he decided to find E on a social networking site and the two began conversating through there.  Which was probably the best way for him to do it anyway because the young man was never really much of a talker, he wrote better than he spoke. As the two talked throughout the 8 weeks he was in the states, they began to learn more and more about each other and began to make plans to see each other upon his arrival back in country. Upon his return to the country the young man seemed to forget everything that he was told during his time away, because within an hour of being back he was back doing the same exact stuff with P that got him sent away in the first place.  He truly didn't have a care in the world, wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to and play by his own rules.  Which for the most part he did.


The time finally came on a Thursday night in late September, that he was finally able to make his long awaited  return  to the nightlife.  He looked forward to this night as it was the first time since leaving in July that he was able to go out with his friends and of course he knew he would be able to finally see E again for the first time since he originally met her.  Although the two had been conversating via social networking sites and he felt he had regained some of the points he lost, he still looked at it as a way of redeeming himself from their first meeting.  The two would see each other and this time was completely different, they spent the vast amount of the night together talking, dancing, and even at one point sharing a couple kisses together during the playing of the LL Cool J and the Dream song "Baby" and E's favorite song at the moment, Love in this club.  The second was very fitting because one of the young mans friends that he was out with (whom we will call  M) joked with him how he was coupled up and seemed to be having sex in the club the whole night, bit extreme, but he got it and just laughed.  As it was time to leave he invited he invited E back to his and P's place to hangout.  She came along and after arriving realized she did not have her ID, so the young man dropped his friends off and paid for a cab back to town for her to meet up L to get her ID.  L, was visibly upset feeling that E had left her which upset E and had her in tears.  The young man tried to console her, but not really knowing how to, it ended up being just quite amusing to her.  They finally arrived at his and P's place and the two of them proceeded to talk with P for a while and then went to the young mans room and attempted to watch the movie Crash, which never really happened, because they ended up distracted.  Some may say it was the young mans fault some will say it was E's fault, but nadien sabe whose fault it actually was, but the movie never got watched.

A few day's passed and the young man and E continued to talk to each other almost every day via social networking sites and now on the telephone.  He would often call her while he was work, just to talk and see what she was up to.  During one of their conversations, she mentioned to him that she was stuck in another town with L and was ready to leave, but couldn't because L was there with friends and wasn't planning on leaving.  he then offered to pay for her a cab to go home or come back to his and P's place once he got off work that next morning.  She ended up choosing to and the two of them would hang out for the majority of the day at his and P's place.  The day was going good until the young man's ex, who still had a key to get into his building showed up.  However, no situation occurred  because while she did have a key to get into his building, she didn't have one to get in his actual room and he locked the doors which he rarely ever did, suspecting that something like this may happen. You may ask why she even had a key to his place in the first place being that she was an ex, well something that will play a big part in this story, while not together anymore the young man was still very much emotionally invested in his ex.  Which is why the next decision he made, may not have been the best for him to make at that particular time.

The young man and E continued to talk and see each other whenever they could.  During one of their conversations on a random Monday evening early in October the young man finally asked E about taking their friendship to the next level and starting a relationship. To which she replied "that wud put a very big smile on my face" and from there their relationship would begin.  The beginning of their relationship was a good thing for them both and made them both tremendously happy.  It did make them happy and as much as the young man wanted and needed this relationship, it was bad timing for him, because as you've heard already in the story, he was still emotionally invested in his ex. Which as anyone knows, regardless of whether you attempt to move on you can never give that person your all if you're still hung up on someone else and unable or unwilling to let that person go.  The young man was also skeptical of starting the relationship, because of his short amount of time remaining in that country as he was due to move back to the states in December.  However he continued on with the relationship, because he ultimately fell in love with E and really wanted to try and make it work even if by long distance.

Throughout there short time remaining together, they spent alot of time together.  The young man ended up unofficially allowing E to move in with him and P, much to the surprise of everyone including E, that he would allow her to do this after such a short amount of time.  There was a rule that no one could have overnight visitors in the building, but as I told you before the young man pretty much played by his own rules, believing that no one would catch him, which they never did. They tried but the young man was always two steps ahead of them and they ended up just looking silly while trying.  While "living" together E would often party and hang out with the young man and his friends, and became very good friends with P, through hanging out so much while the young man was working or sleeping in preparation for work in the morning.  No the story isn't going where you may think it is now, the two never hooked up or anything, they pretty much developed the kind of relationship that the young man had with P's on and off again girlfriend(whom we will call W) like a brother/sister type thing.  But yes along with hanging out with everyone they would often spend quality time together sitting in a chair watching random TV shows on DVD or TV   She would often sit and watch as the young man played video games with M and other friends, not quite enjoying herself, she just enjoyed being around the young man so she suffered through it.  Additionally, E would often be in bed awake waiting for the young man to get home from work, to which he would sometimes surprise her with a breakfast he picked up from work.  They really enjoyed there time together and often would try and share their happiness with friends by randomly trying to hook them up with each other.  Some succeeded some didn't, but one that succeeded that was completely shocking to them both was the news that P and L were now dating, shocking because they knew the both of them and uhh yeah.  After that ship sailed P actually moved on with another of E's friends whom we will call B, which was a bit more understanding than P and L and made a lot more sense as P and the young man were best friends and B and E were very close friends.

Now yes the young man and E were blossoming into a great relationship, but however as with any relationship they did have their problems while living together or being together period.  The vast amount of their problems came due to the fact that as happy as he was with E, he still had that emotional attachment to his ex(whom we will call C).  While he never physically cheated on E with C or any female for that matter, however he did cheat emotionally, which is just as bad if not worse.  Now E and C obviously didn't get along, which is completely understandable from E's side, but from C's side not so much. One could possibly speculate it was jealousy or it could've been she was just being a b*tch, who knows.  All the young man really knew for a fact was that he just wanted everyone to get along, but as anyone with common sense knew, that was never going to happen as long he kept that attachment to C he had.  C would often call him at nights while he was with E and he would answer seeing what she wanted and talking to her while E was laying right there.  I know right, that was fucked up of the young man to say the least.  He would often go out with M and get into arguments with C while being out and come home and take it out on E. I know right, fucked up again. If all that wasn't enough, the young man would often take weekend trips with M and leave E at home, she did have L with her a couple of those times, and P and others who lived in the building to keep her company and of course they did have alcohol. But still fucked up that he would just leave for the weekend and not take her right. However one weekend during one of his trips with M, P actually went with them this weekend also, before he left earlier in that week before the trip was even planned he promised he would take E out on a date, because she said she had never been on one.  the young man went on the trip, expecting to get back in time to keep his promise, however P and M decided to stay another day.  Remembering his promise he told them he couldn't stay, because he made a promise to E. so that morning he left them and took a cab back to keep his promise.  The date never happened, but he did try and it wasn't his fault that it didn't happen but that's neither here nor there.  The young man was often a very moody person too. Moody and angry but he never put his hands on her, caused her any physical harm, or called her out of her name because that's just not him. However there was this one instance that involved a cigarette being burned right above E's lip and the time he accidentally called her a b*itch but not in a derogatory way and not even a second after he realized he said it he immediately apologized, she just laughed understanding that it wasn't deliberate or derogatory and  more amused at his reaction after saying it.  The young mans mood swings were very frequent, he would sometimes go hours or days without saying anything to anyone E or P included and you never knew when they would be happen one moment everything would be good, the next no so much.  the young man was pretty much bi polar if you ask me. Though P and M would never turn their back on him as a friend they even came to the young man pulling him to the side multiple times telling him he needs to chill out and get his sh*t together and let C go.  Whether E told them or not or they just saw it the young man will never know, but they would tell the young man how good of a girl E was and how much she truly loved him and how she has made a difference in the young mans life from where he used to be and that he shouldn't f*ck that up following someone who is only just fucking with his head. And as the young man really thought about it, he realized that that was just something they saw and didn't have to be told, because he heard it form multiple other people.  The young man understood and believed them, especially after hearing it from so many people, it had to be true, but he still wouldn't allow himself to let go.


Despite all of the things the young man put E through, she still stuck by him, because as he had been told by others she truly loved him and wanted to be with him and kept the hope that one day he would be able shake  his emotional to C because deep down she knew that he loved her too.  Which the young man did, he loved her to death.  He had shared things with her that no other person on earth ever knew, of course it wasn't necessarily through words , it was more through allowing her to read and autobiography about himself that he had written while away.  It was through that that they became even closer, realizing that they shared alot of things in common that that neither knew they did, mainly because they weren't exactly the type of things that one would randomly share.  However this experience, did give the young man a preview of just how much she cared for him, taking the time to give him advice and try and uplift his spirits and thoughts, because at the time he was in a rut and it was the causes of those ruts that led him to randomly have his mood swings.  Her compassion and words made him begin to love her even more.  Her compassion and natural nurturing ability also showed when she took care of him while he was sick, suffering from a man cold, to which he called pneumonia and also when the young man had an angry outburst and punched a hole through a glass window cutting his finger.  And in the young mans defense I really don't think he knew the window was actually glass and would shatter, if I had to guess I would say he probably thought it would was plexi glass.  Through seeing her and just being around her, E's spirits and just the person she was and how she cared for him, helped the young man to transform from that person who just a couple months before was just walking around without a care in the world and couldn't stay out of trouble.  Don't get me wrong the young man still had his moments because he was very stubborn and wouldn't fully give up his ways, but he was alot better and different person than before.

They had been "living" together for a a while now and by a while I'll say 2 months.  E was pretty much with him every day, often going going home for clothes and coming back later in the day.  No one had caught onto it outside of the people who lived in the building and one day he received a scare.  The young man received a phone call from the police of the town he was in which caught him guard because a) how'd they get his number and b) why are they calling him.  They mentioned E's name and came to him almost like she was a missing person or maybe he kidnapped her.  Although she was right in the kitchen, he did what he does and denied seeing her and said he hasn't talked to her in a couple day's  and of course they believed him.  It threw him off for a bit because the young man had done so well to lay low with no one really knowing she was there and all of a sudden the police call out of the blue.  He went and told her after he got off the phone with them and she automatically knew it was her mother, so she called her  and got everything squared away, which was a sigh of relief to the young man.  With that taken care of the young man did have one concern about E.  When they met E was full of ambition working and going to school, but he kind of noticed that that kind of changed once he came into the picture.  He kind of felt like it was his fault and he blamed himself, because one of the things he loved so much about her was that ambition and her intelligence and he didn't want to be the cause of her losing that.  By this time the two of them knew they had something special, when no one else was in the picture and there was real potential.  Again though the young man really wanted to see her finish her degree and get her education, so he began to push here harder and harder through time.  Hoping that she would continue her education, as he left and ventured back to the US the young man knew that she was the one for him.  This led him to pushing maybe too hard and telling her that he would marry her once she finished up school.  Which may have been something that he shouldn't have said, but in his mind it was the right thing to do.  Now while telling her that, he ultimately had a 2-3 year plan.  His thought which he began even telling his friends including C was that he would go back  to the states and continue to see how their relationship went and if all was good he would be married in the summer of 2011.  Believing that by then E would have finished school and everything would be good and his plan to marry E once she finished school would still go accordingly.  It may not have been the best plan, but it was the young mans plan.

During his last couple weeks the young man and E continued to grow together, enjoying their last little time together for a while.  They even began planning their family together, children names and all.  They enjoyed all there last couple weeks together up until the last week.  On Christmas day the young man entered into one of his moody states and didn't really want to be bothered with anyone.  As I said in the story before, they didn't happen as often, but he did still have them.  This one was a primary result of just being away from his family again on the holidays  and a bit of knowing that his time in that country was coming to end.  Altough Christmas day was bad, the young man did have an ace up his sleeve that would of made E's day better than it was, but unfortunately it didn't arrive in time, she would later receive it after he had left and as expected she loved it.  The next day it was time for the young man to finally meet E's mother before he left to go back to the states.  The young man was a bit nervous to say the least, mainly because he was meeting his girlfriends mother for the first time, but also due to the whole phone call with the ploice that happened a while  back, and the fact that he was hella hungover from going out with E, P, and B the night before for his going away party.  On the subject of the young mans going away party that didn't turn out to well for the two of them as the young man after drinks and being given a few party favors ended up spending the night with everyone but E to include C and ultimately ended with he an C in another argument  They still made it to E's mothers the next day and he got through it and it wasn't bad all although E refused to leave her mother alone with the young man and I'm sure the young man was very grateful for that.  The young man did however feel bad that because of his hangover and nervousness, he was unable to eat the meal she had prepared for them.  They did enjoy the day with E's family, but finally the came the day before he left.  The young man being the procrastinator he was had still not packed a single thing, he started and then had some errands he had to run, so he asked E to pack for him.  She did throughout the day as he would pop in from his errands. once he was done he ran into of all people C, she asked him to go with her to say a final bye to some people, he obliged and went with her.  He stopped by the room, to tell E he would be back later and help her finish packing and that he was going to tell some final people bye.  Not realizing that C would follow him up to the room just so that E could see that he could see her face.  It was then that maybe the young man should have finally listened and believed what others were trying to tell him all along, but he was just ignorant to the fact, he may not have even been ignorant more so of just not wanting to believe it and seeing what was right in front of his eyes the whole time.  He then proceeded to leave with C. You don't have to say it, I'll say it yes he pulled some fucked up shit again.  Even after the apologies before, the young man did it again.  He returned hours later to the anger of M and also the anger and hurt of E, which could be displayed by the shoe box of C's things in the trash.  It was at this moment despite all the times before, that the young man could actually see the pain and heartbreak that E was going through at that time. Yes the young man had done things in the past as, but one thing about E is she was very good at hiding her emotions and keeping them inside, but that night was different, the young man could actually see and feel her pain at a that moment.  That memory is a memory that he will keep with him forever.  Yes he loved her before and was in love with her, but seeing her the way she was that night, actually broke a piece of his heart and at that time he realized just how much he loved E and she meant to him.  The young man isn't big on regrets and tries not to have them, but I'm sure even he will admit that he wishes he would've done things differently that night.  And on the other hand I know the young man is big on learning from mistakes, which is why he doesn't really do regrets and that moment he learned a lot as a result of that night, alot that it can be said he may or may not have eventually learned through time.  His love showed that next day at the airport when he gave her his final hug goodbye and after telling her not to cry, he actually ended up crying.  Uncontrollably shedding his first real tear that he had ever shedded in years.  Not one of those loud sniffy scenes that the young man was known to do to appear as if he was actually crying when he wasn't, these were genuine tears that came out of nowhere that he couldn't control at the thought of knowing that he was leaving.  Tears that continued up the escalator and as he went through security and finally pulled himself together. It was at this point and on the plane ride over that the young man realized that the emotional connection that hindered him and E's growth had ended.

While starting his new journey back in the states, the young man and E continued to talk on a daily basis.  There biggest hurdle in their relationship was finally crossed although now they had a new hurdle in distance. He would still get the occasional phone calls about whenever E and C were out and saw each other, which he never understood why, because it's not like he was there or anything.  He tried to deflect it all by telling C to let it go, because usually the first phone call came from her and if you don't like her don't say anything to her, whatever grudge you may or may not have with her let it go cause this shit is getting old and tiring and he's not with all that drama anymore and was trying a new positive outlook on life. If E brought it up, he pretty much told her the same thing.  The young man could actually believe if E had a grudge against C, because she had a legit reason after all that went down before, but the young man was ready to move on and be happy with E, with C behind him as only a friend that he spoke to for a random conversation every now and then.  The year went on and the young man and E began planning on a summer Reunion in which E would be flying over to the states to see him and meet his family on both his father and his mothers side.  the time came for her to come over and the young man met her in the airport holding a welcome sign, no literally holding a welcome sign.  This was E's first time in the states, so the young man did his best to make it enjoyable.  They spent a few days in the his home state and then ventured on a road trip with his parents to his second home state, and a stop at a casino in Louisiana where they spent the night and she met his dad's brother and his wife.    After a night in the Louisiana they moved on to his second home state where she was able to meet pretty much the young mans dad's entire side of the family including the young mans grandparents.  It was here that she learned that in certain areas of the country we love to eat and do plenty of it.  She fit in very well with the family especially with his younger cousins with whom she actually cooked waffles for.  Time eventually came to where it was time to move on to her next venture a 7 day cruise to the Bahamas with the young mans dads family. They did enjoy their time on the cruise and of course , the young man did have his moody moments, but for the most part they enjoyed it.  Including a very random moment that included the young man mixing his alcohol, which is always a bad decision and later paying for it at the wrong time. Also E has natural curly hair and she is a fan of straightening it, but the young man forgot to grab her charger for her straightener upon leaving for the cruise and she was forced to wear hair curly the entire 7 days.  It was no big deal though, she wasn't angry she just joked about specifically asking rthe young man did he have it and it turns out he didn't. As the cruise ended they headed back and soon ventured back off to the young man's home state.  Upon arriving back E got the chance to meet the young mans maternal side of the family and hang out with one of his cousins for a bit.  There however was an awkward moment when the young man failed to return the favor E had given him in not leaving her mother alone with him, and the young man left E alone with his grandmother and mother and some random questions were asked.  There was one more surprise in store for E, that the young man had planned to make her trip memorable. He had  gotten the two tickets to a concert in Atlanta to see Beyonce which she enjoyed because at the time she was a huge Beyonce fan.  They also walked around the town for awhile, taking trips to the aquarium  and coca cola factory and of course the underground.   She really enjoyed Atlanta and  her time in the states, it made the young man happy to see her smile, knowing she really did enjoy herself and he helped to make sure that happened.  E also left a good impression on all those she met too, before leaving his second hometown the young man was told by his uncle and a few others to include his grandfather ow good of a girl they she was and that he should stick with her, he heard the same from members of his mothers family they all loved her.  Not that he didn't already know, but the young man couldn't help but think he had heard it form his family and his closest friends while overseas, there was no doubt that she was the one.

Soon after E returned back home, the two continued on with their long distance relationship.  They did suffer obstacles during this, primarily to the young mans lack of ability to communicate.  He would often go for an amount of time without conversating with E. It was never intentional in his mind, to be honest I'm sure if the young man were to be asked he couldn't really tell you why he did it either, but a little later in time he would come to find out the reason why.  However they were able to make it through this and began planning on the young man coming to visit her for a few weeks in December   Before the trip, the two of them had gotten into an argument concerning E, not going to school after receiving a random phone call from her mother to talk about some things and the argument escalated very quickly. Because as previously stated in the story, he really wanted to see her finish school and often pushed her a bit hard to finish.  He threw it in her face about how she must not want to marry him, because she isn't in school even after he told her he would marry her once she finished.  Which as I said before, probably wasn't one of the young mans brightest ideas of things to say.  The two went for some days not speaking when the young man received a message on a social networking site from two of her friends at the time expressing their concern over here after their argument   The young man and E reconciled and and he never brought up the school thing again with her and they pressed forward in plans for their December reunion.  The time came for the young man to visit her and he was filled with excitement as was E.  He arrived and she was there to meet him at the airport with open arms, no sign though.  The two then proceeded to the train station to head back to town.  This was the young mans first ever train ride and it was probably his last, he was definitely not  fan of trains.  Upon arriving they stopped over E's friends house, in which E found out that the hotel she booked for the two had fallen threw, so the young man put a hotel  for them on his credit card, to which she felt bad and apologized repeatedly, because she wanted to make the trip special.  However the young man, while slightly upset in the beginning, got over it quick, because at the end of the day, he was with his girl and that's all that mattered.  The trip was going to be special either way as long as they were together   While there the young man got a chance to meet a good friend who was like a little sister and meet her new son.  E, allowed him to spend time with them for a little while under one condition that if C showed up , he had to leave, to which he did. before she came and got him he told her don't let her come over there while he's there and she obliged.   The young man then spent time hanging out with E and a few of her friends in which they did the unthinkable and drank him under the table.  He gave them credit, but made sure they knew that if he had his boys with him it would be a different story. He did enjoy his time hanging out with them all and going back out into the clubs that he knew all too well  and seeing all the familiar faces.  The two also went to the movies, in which the young man got his first taste of sweet popcorn and was not a fan at all.  Along with that the young man had another first experience, his first double Decker bus ride when E took him to a carnival or festival type thing on the way to meet her mother and her mothers best friend and E's lifelong best friend.  Again the young man was a bit nervous to meet her along with the other 2.  He however put on his nice shoes button down shirt and even had a sweater vest on over it with some non baggy fitting jeans, just to change up his look a little bit and leave a good impression.  The young man was known for pretty much always wearing too big clothes and having a fitted hat on at all times, so yeah he changed it up a bit.  I'm pretty sure he is glad that he left that phase of his life behind, he still wears a fitted every now and then but the big clothes are no more. But anyway, he was a bit shy because of the nervousness, i mean the dude ordered a tea when they were eating, and E's mother pretty much told him it's okay you can order a beer, which he did.  All in all it was a good experience, he walked away hoping they approved of him.  The time came for the young man to return to the states, but before he did E convinced him to go out one last time, because he had promised people he would so he did.  They had a great time out and preceded back to the hotel to have the what the young man will probably describe said as like the R. Kelly song says "The Greatest Sex" ever. Of course I'm just assuming that's what the young man would say. As the young mans cab pulled up he and E gave each other a long hug and kiss and he got in the cab as a tear strolled down E's face. Neither realizing that that Saturday in December was the last time the two would see other again to this day.

Shortly after returning home the young man began to let a lot of jealousy and his own insecurities that he had at the time come into play. He would often vent his frustrations on a social networking site in a very open manner. The two began talking alot less and less mainly due to the young man often pulling disappearing acts again. Despite this however they still did plan to reunite again in the summer for another cruise only this time E would be coming to the young mans place of residence instead of flying into his hometown first.  As with the majority of their issues they were able to work it out, however things were just not the same. It all came to ahead one day when the young man and E got into an argument after she called him out on his postings on the social networking site, to which he had no choice to admit and try and dig his way out of the hole he dug himself into.  Once again they reconciled through time and they began to focus on E's upcoming trip to the states.  All was going good they were back talking almost every single day both were excited about and looking forward to seeing each other again.  The young man cleaned his apartment top to bottom and actually went grocery shopping which is something he rarely ever did all in preparation for her arrival.  He had plans to take her out with some of his coworkers and just show her good time as he did when she first came. He even went and got an engagement ring in hopes of proposing while on the cruise, it wasn't a nice ring but it would do until he was able to gt a nicer one. While doing all the plans and getting everything straight the young man hadn't talked to her in a few days. 2 days before her scheduled arrival they finally talked and all seemed good, until later that night he received a text from E stating she's sorry but she wouldn't be able to come.  The young man didn't really know how to react at the time so, he pretty much did the only thing he really knew how to do, blow up.  They went some time not talking after that and when they did talk the conversations were short only this time it wasn't him keeping it short it was her.  At this time the young man began to actually feel that the relationship was on thin ice and he began to panic and not really know what to do.  He would call and get no answer,  test messages, emails nothing, he felt he had lost E.  He did this for a while and then it finally set in what he was feeling.  He was feeling exactly what she must have felt during those times when she couldn't get in contact with him when he was doing whatever and she just got tired of it all and said  fuck it started living her life that's how he felt. and whether intentionally or not he was getting a him pulled on him.  He realized that, but along with his insecurities and jealousy and just not being able to deal with something happening to him that he was doing to others.  I guess you can look at it as the young man saw what it's like when the shoe is on the other foot and and he couldn't handle it. he just couldn't get it through his head and kept trying, probably becoming more annoying than anything to her with all the sob stories and pity parties.  Although knowing it was his fault or believing that this all happened as a result of him, he fell back into his angry ways and was mad at the world.  He wanted to blame everyone, family, friends, and anyone, and he did he blamed them all and shut them all out of his life. Despite doing that the young man knew whose fault it was, but was just to stubborn to admit and come to realization that he was to blame. However eventually as they always do, they found their way back to each other, but just as earlier in the year it just wasn't the same between them. Primarily because the young man believed that she had finally gotten tired of him and found someone else.  It once again all came to a head.on a Sunday in  November the 2 to be exact when the two got into another argument and ultimately led them to ending their two year relationship.

It was something that neither really wanted, but after all was said that day by both E and the young man, it happened.  Yes the moment was a bad one for them, but through it all, the love they had for each other was still there, the distance had just taken its toll on them. The young man had a belief that if somehow his job would allow him to end up back in her country, the two of them would reconcile and get back together.  He didn't know if E felt the same, but he believed inside that she did, it was just an unspoken but known thing between the two.  Even if she didn't feel the same, if he was able to end up back over there he was ready to fight for her love, beliveing that all he needed to do was be in her presence   Even after the breakup they did conversate with each other and they remained friends. The young man would send her messages or text every morning for a little while and the two would have the occasional conversations.  There was a never a night to this day that the young man did not say a prayer for E, for her happiness, safety, well-being, health and success.  Every now and then he would throw in a little selfish part asking God to please bring them back together in the physical sense if it was in God's plan for them which he believed it was because God brought them together when they truly needed each other the most. They came into each others lives for a reason and  he knew God separated them to help them grow as people and he would bring them back together when he felt they were ready.  He always ended the prayer saying God, I believe we're ready and if its in your plan as he prays it is you will see they are ready too. He still loved her tremendously.

They would go times without talking, but always found there way back every now and then just to pop in and see how the others life is going across the pond. late 2011 while browsing a social networking site the young man noticed that E, had began dating someone new and it kind of hit him hard due to him beginning to realize that their chances of being together again were fading.  Although it hurt at first at the end of the day his prayers were answered in the fact that it appeared she was happy which was all the young man ever wanted for her.  Although it wasn't with him, her happiness was all that mattered so he kind of fell back, not really engaging in a conversation unless she started it, because he didn't want to interfere with her happiness in her relationship.  This continued up until Monday  27 february 2012 when E randomly sent him a message with news that would surely change alot of things.  E, told the young man that she messed up and made a mistake and that later in the year she would be expecting a child.  E, felt bad because she felt she had ruined any chance of the two of them being together ever.  The news came as a shock to the young man, but his response probably came as a shock to E well maybe not because she knew him better than anyone else.  He wasn't upset by the news when he heard, mainly because the young man felt that they weren't in a relationship together and at the end of the day that shoe could have easily been on the other foot, and when people asked him about it, that was his response to them.  The young man told E, that he didn't care about what happened, he supported her and it didn't change a thing about how he felt for her before and how he still felt for her, he loved her to death. While yeah it did bother the young man because he wanted to be the one that gave her her first child, but that wasn't important at this moment.  And once she told him that the father was no longer in the picture, he assured her that he would be there for her and her unborn child and if she allowed him to the young man stated that he would gladly step into the role and be a father to her son.  He let her know that he did learn from the best at stepping in and feeling the void left by another man as his father did that for his older brother and even on the flip side his mother did it for his older sister.  The two reconnected through  all this and just as previous times before, they always find there way back to each other no matter what the situation.  That's just the love they had for each other. This however wasn't an ordinary situation, E was expecting a child and the young man feeling like he was ready for this and knowing in his heart he was ready, needed a little reassurance that he was ready cause he did have a little nervousness and fear about it all. So, he made the phone call to the one person in this world who he knew he could count on for some unfiltered advice, and he had gone to so many other times, W.  W pretty much told him that he could do this and reassured him of his confidence.  She pointed out to him how well he was with her daughter and her and P's son. she told him that he was born to be around children, he will make a great father. W told him something that really hit home, the only reason he has this fear is because he still beats himself up and is upset is about what happened with his daughter and the whole miscarriage thing and he blamed himself for losing his daughter.  The fear comes not from not being able to do it, but the fear of ruining another life as the young man felt he did his daughter.  She then told him he has grown from that person back then, and told him again he is great with children and will make a great father, just man up.  The last thing she told the young man was you messed this up with her once, she is allowing you the chance to come back in her life and trusting you to be able to be a father to her son , God blessed you with this opportunity a second chance, don't mess this up bro, you love that girl and she feels that E and him were meant to be so to go handle his business and don't mess up this time.  That phone call with W, more than reassured his confidence and after that he knew he was ready.


Months went bye and the two remained close.. E, was there for him as a distant shoulder to lean on when he lost his grandmother  which meant alot to him.  The day finally arrived October 1 when E gave birth to a healthy baby boy(whom we'll call el).  The young man was happy for her and sent her a congratulations message.  The birth of El surprisingly or maybe not so surprisingly hit the young man kind of hard, he knew the day would come, but I for one believe that once the day arrived it became a reality for the young man that E just had a baby.  He kept that bottled in for a few weeks and that along with still the hurt he had from losing his grandmother  added in with the news that his dad was undergoing treatment for prostate cancer led him to just want to go on a binge session the first time he got. He chose the binge because he at that time didn't want to talk to E about it, being that she just had a baby and he didn't feel comfortable going to her about things that might be bothering him in reference to his grandmother and his fathers situation, I mean come on the young man was just that, "a man", she had far more important things to do in being a  mother to El so he just chose to drink it all away.  The day finally came due to a going away party that was being thrown. and drink it away is what he did. The young man not nearly as heavy of a drinker as he previously was started drinking at noon that day and continued all the way up until the going away party at 8.  After the going away party he and a few friends went back to his place and continued drinking, before they decided to go to the club.  At some point in the night the young man managed to get his hand on a Molly and he took it as he continued drinking.  Needless to say the young man eventually blacked out and the night ended with his friend getting a DUI.  The  young man had no recollection of the events that night and only found out through a letter left on his TV of the details.  After this incident he ended up getting in trouble and having to go away for 4 weeks again.  During his time away,the only one he ever reached out to was E.  Just to let her know where he was and how she could get in contact with him.  Just the few times they spoke in there was enough to lift his spirits up while being away. There was just something about whenever the young man would see her name with words directed toward him whether it be email or social media that lit up his world and put him in a great place.  While the young man was away, the program didn't help in the primary purpose it served, because the young man still plans to return right back into it as soon as he is able, just this time being more responsible.  The program did help him to confront a lot of the issues that he had buried down inside him for so long like the death of his sister, the death of his cousin, and the loss of his daughter, and so on down the line.  He talked with counselors and they were able to help him out in understanding things and dealing with them through talking about them instead of burying them inside like he had done for so long.  It was during this, that the young man began to realize why he suffered so many mood swings and was so bi polar.  It was all primarily a result of depression, which led him to being diagnosed with having clinical depression. He was angry at the world because he blamed himself for so much in his life and that anger would ultimately lead him into depression, which is why he would be good for a second and then his mind would start racing about whatever and mixed with everything he had buried inside and the next second he'd be down or upset. The young man also felt he didn't deserve to be happy or have anyone love him, so he often punished himself by  unconsciously sabotaging things that could possibly make him happy like his relationship with E while in in her country and once he returned to the states. So this time although the main reason didn't work, because as I said before the young man will drink again possibly even the day they say he is able to again, but it did help into looking into the mirror and realizing it's finally time for him to be happy and begin working on himself, because before he could be that father to El and husband to E if she'd still have him he had to work on himself, which he did.

Upon the young man's completion of the four week program he began working with a counselor at his job.  the two see each other twice a week and he often talks about his relationship with E and where they are today.  According to her whenever she brings up the relationship she see's the shine in the young mans eye and the smile and happiness whenever he begins to talk about her. The counselor will occasionally bring up El to to see how the young man really feels about E having a child, and she says his face just lights up whenever he speaks of El and it's clear to her he really cares for him. The young man didn't quite understand the face lighting up part because well he is pretty dark and how someone can see all of this, but he knows it's true and it's a good thing because she smiles when she says it, and states how she can see a big change in him in how happy he is now compared to when he first walked in before thy sent him away to the program.  Alot of that happiness comes from him finally being clear of all the skeletons he had inside, his new way of thinking, and the biggest part his reconnected relationship with E.  While still not a couple the two are talking alot more to each other now a days, not everyday but they are talking. They're back to making plans of the young man hopefully getting to visit her soon  and finally getting to meet El. They won't make anything official as a couple, but they do know and are on the same page as far wanting to be together as a family one day.  All of this is going to take a bit of time, as E, is currently in law school getting her degree for at least 3 years, which kind of works out, because if the young man should get promoted this year, he will more than likely be able to begin the path toward getting back over there in 3 years max possibly less but no more than 3.  And I know the young man has probably thought about it,that as dumb a decision as it was for him to say, it's funny how it all works that it may actually end up with them getting married after she finishes school years later.  Yes it'll all take a while , but when you've been through all these two have been through and you still manage to always find your way back each other, you kind of get the feeling that end of the day God truly did mean for these two to be together and no matter how long it takes he will bring them.  And give them the happily ever after they both first envisioned almost 5 years ago.



The end!